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PERSONAL ESSAYS

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20 YEARS AFTER ITS RELEASE, I’M STILL AFRAID TO WATCH KIDS

When you’re depressed, you think about laying down a lot. Constantly, actually. Get close to a couch, and every part of your brain is suddenly convinced that everything would be better if you’d just sprawl out. That’s what ‘Kids’ did to me.

 
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THE HIDDEN COST OF CHEAP THINGS

No, I decided with gumption. I wouldn’t take the easy way out. I would build a kitchen table myself.

 
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WHAT I MISS MOST: SUBURBAN SUPERMARKET AISLES

I got homesick in the narrow-ass soup aisle of a Key Food in Williamsburg five years ago.

 
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IN DEFENSE OF NEW JERSEY, THE BEST “BAD” STATE IN THE COUNTRY

Let’s start with what you’ve heard: New Jersey is a coastal shitfield of garbage and hair gel that shields New York City from the rest of the country. Sound about right? You can admit it. It won’t hurt my feelings. I know that New Jersey is famous for grungy, over-industrialized highway corridors, loud people in expensive T-shirts, and a statewide prohibition on self-serve gas stations. The Garden State, as it’s optimistically called on postage stamps & license plates, is more colloquially referred to as “The Armpit of America,” and “JOISEY.” It’s a time-honored American tradition to take a steamy dump on New Jersey’s reputation/chest.

 
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AN ODE TO THE NEW YORK ROOFTOP

New York rooftop, you are everything. You are, simply, number one: the first kiss of summer. The first outdoor drink. That first moment I realize I’m too hot instead of too cold. You are the first day of the year that I chuckle at NYC’s bipolar climate; I share that chuckle with you.

 
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DON’T MOVE TO NEW YORK CITY

“If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.” Does this phrase stir youthful ambition in your chest? Then don’t move to New York City, because it’s a …

 
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WHY I HATE SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY LOVE: IPAS

I’ve never told anyone this before, for fear of being set upon by homebrewers, hopheads, and frat bros that’ve been totally numbed to reason by high-ABV swill. But I feel …

 
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TRANSPLANTS ARE NEW YORKERS, TOO

Were you born in NYC? Have you lived here your entire life? Do you wander through comment sections of websites like this one, swinging your Five Borough birthright like a …

 
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I BECAME A SNAPCHAT CELEBRITY BY CATCALLING FIRE HYDRANTS

Most mornings, I take a photo of a fire hydrant. It can be any fire hydrant—the one outside my apartment in Brooklyn is a frequent subject—but in my travels, I’ve …